It was Thursday 12.11.2009, the time was 12.00, the weather was cold and rainy and it was time for my next training camp with Kimu Sensei and as always Kimu Sensei had written to me that I should bring my whole self and be 100 % open and receptive to learning.
Hmm… I wonder if there was a hidden trap here? I thought a lot about what Kimu Sensei meant by that, but quickly decided that this was not the correct setting for a role model in the Shindenkan – so I could only come as I am or as I think I am – Hmm…
Kimu Sensei started the training camp by telling me that the goal of the camp was for me to go deep into myself and initiate my inner clarification in relation to my closest reference points. Ok – I said and thought, I'm in on it.
He continued: "When you are in a critical situation, you need to know who you are - including your deepest secret or your worst nightmare - so that you can be 100 % balanced, objective and clear". Ok – I said, thinking I have nothing to hide.
“So why choose YOU constantly exposing yourself to YOUR worst nightmare? Is it a conscious choice that makes you feel safe? or is it an unconscious choice that you know you have to clarify?”. Uh what – I thought and didn't say anything.
"Be constructive - One of the ways to find the common thread is to review your relationship with your reference points and compare the different important periods in your life and find out if there is a connection, a pattern between your choices and who you are. Remember that it's all about you finding out who you are!”.
"The questions in the scenarios are: Why do you repeat an unclear pattern you have from one reference point to another but not in general? Your life is like the story of the 3 little pigs who build a house to avoid the big bad wolf! – Find out what the context is!”.
What the f.... is THAT for something - I thought, it's s.. quite childish, but I didn't say anything and slowly it dawned on me what Kimu Sensei had meant by me remembering my whole self . The task at this training camp was for me to go deep, i.e. completely inside and seek inner clarification in relation to my closest reference points. Provoked with fear, I thought the following:
In other words, it was my deepest secrets and my worst nightmares – that is, everything I have tried to hide from myself and others for most of my life.
Go very deep into yourself, closest points of reference - I guess this is going to be a little close to me, very close - isn't it?
Training camp was underway and the stage was set.
The three little pigs.
It is important for me to state that I have always needed Kimu Sensei's help to move forward when I got stuck and subsequently run the same scenarios several times. Because as Kimu Sensei always says “It is your self-knowledge and not mine. YOU must know yourself. I already know you”. But without his constant and generous help, I would only have a microscopic chance of finishing like Menkyo. I know it's been hard. Last time Kimu Sensei had to have a "grandpa" and this time he "optimized" and had to vomit from overexertion!.
But fortunately, I also know what motivates him and if he has given his word, he keeps it!. Lucky for me and really good to have as a friend!. In October 2001, I "ran off the field" just before the finish line; Menkyo. Kimu Sensei's Bujutsu grandmaster colleagues made the big mistake (but lucky for me J) of telling him that historically no one of their knowledge and experience had ever come back and finished after running off the field just before the goal; Menkyo. They should never have said that!. They were read and signed by Kimu Sensei that NOTHING was impossible and with his help I had to prove and show that it was as he said - and besides, he never failed a friend!.
Telling Kimu Sensei that something is impossible is like waving a piece of meat in front of a hungry lion!. If he says yes, then he will probably solve the task, even if everyone else says it is impossible, that is how he is by nature and that is what he has done all his life.
Now eight years after my "breakdown", I stand again in front of the door to the bujutsu and budo degree; Menkyo – Master of all the Martial arts. This time, I'd rather die than run away again, and with Kimu Sensei as my back-up, I know I have the best to cover my back for all the fears everyone has when they stand in front of the door to Menkyo and finally meets himself as "God originally created one".
As so many times before, the tool for working with my inner clarification was meditation and Kimu Sensei's exercises alone, as well as Kimu Sensei's iron grip with "the muzzle constantly in the track" through continuous and constant coach sessions, and also the useful method was that I for myself, went through all the scenarios I could find and then alternated those same scenarios between my closest points of reference.
This work I repeated again and again until there were some patterns that gave themselves recognition and when this happened, I sought to understand and recognize myself and it is here that Kimu Sensei's reference to the story of the three little pigs and the big ugly wolf appeared.
The story of the three little pigs in relation to my inner clarification of my closest reference points could well be understood as the big ugly wolf that seeks out all its innermost secrets and recognizes (eats) them one by one and every time it encounters an obstacle it breathes and huffing and puffing until the obstruction dissolves or disappears doesn't just sound straightforward.
Trust me, I've tried – I've huffed and puffed and huffed and puffed to no avail until I've hit myself in the neck.
So here is my true story about the three sweet little reference points, where there is one who is a marzipan pig, one who is a nice roast pork and one who is a real prize pig and then my big ugly ego there... Or, to spare the reader from unnecessary Christmas hunger, I will settle for the following:
The paradox that appeared to me is that even though I have pretended that I am trying to get in to the pigs to eat them, in reality it is myself who has let the pigs in - so it is myself who has the key to open the door!
The moral of the story of the three little pigs is that the wise one tricks the less wise one and the wolf ends up getting so desperate that it crawls down the shard and ends up in the pot and is eaten by the third little pig.
In short: I can't fool myself - so why keep trying?
In order to become good at kumite, you first need to understand yourself from the outside in, gradually through Shoden, Chuden, Joden and finally you reach deep inside at Okuden and it is here just before Menkyo that the things that are really close - i.e. those that deep down I want to hide from myself and others - become the things that in reality end up tricking me or betraying me - if I don't take the next step and clarify all reference points and continue on, experience myself and becomes Menkyo.
This is why Menkyo, knowing oneself, is so closely related to understanding kumite. Understanding that comes through clarification of black and white or life and death.
Thoughts, words and actions.
Meditation is a good tool for finding your inner working areas, and it is really good to write down what you have found to get structure, but the closer you are to real development, the more difficult it is suddenly to carry out your actions.
It is the result that counts and it is decisive for the result that I put action behind my thoughts and words and it may well be both risky or border crossing - that is exactly what development is about.
The conclusion
The conclusion is that it is not as you think, that the decisions and choices you make can be made based on a reality that was and not the reality that is! I repeat it right again - The reality that was and not the one that is!
This is a very important point for me because this is where the close reference points play a crucial role.
The sharp situation is the reality that is right now - and I make a choice - afterwards it is the reality that was.
When the moment has passed, I and the outside world can analyze, assess and judge my action. Was my action right? Was it driven by my past? Was it driven by my expectation of the future?
Or was it simply clarified!
The process has started
The decision to find oneself is a bit like following the TV show without a trace, where the main character sets out to find his reference point, but in reality is in search of himself or to understand himself or to get to know himself.
There is no difference - to be a good role model is to always strive to give the best of yourself both to yourself and to others.
It is December 2009 and I am Jens and I have started another journey...
