Result

On Saturday 11/11-2017 I finally succeeded - I passed the graduation to the densho degree Joden, and have thus definitively returned to the path towards further development.
I am very proud to have returned to the field after 1½ years on the bench, and actually like being shot out of a cannon, as it has only been half a year since I came back.

At the same time, I am unbelievably relieved, as for a long time I have not dared to believe that it was possible.

The way there

I have had a long period where I have stalled in my development. In terms of technique, I have been skilled enough, but that has never been the primary thing – not even in terms of values for me. It has always been the inner development that I have valued most. Of course, I also like a nice black belt with lots of stripes on it, but my "secret childhood dream" was to be a good and enlightened person.

I had been seriously afraid that I had reached the ceiling.

I've seen many people, including Shindenkan students, reach the ceiling, then become increasingly disgruntled, and finally find an excuse, turn on their heel, and leave with an offended face. I've seen them blame others, on the economy, on old injuries that break up, on the stupid rules that require them to..., on the tennis racket that is crooked so the ball smokes out of bounds. On everything other than that they themselves do not want to do what it takes to get ahead.

I myself have reached the ceiling elsewhere – reached the point where I was not willing to give more of myself to a cause, a job, a relationship, and where it has come to a sudden stop.

But precisely with Shindenkan, self-development, martial arts/martial sports, I have never wanted to give up - for me it has always been my "project", my golden goal, my path to becoming who I want to be, who I believe I am deep inside. I just didn't want to give up on that. I have fought and fought and fought to get through the barrier I have had on the way to Joden.

And it's actually been really, really good, AND really, really stupid.

Because the solutions that had brought me to Chuden Hiden could not be used to get me further in development, which I had also been told. I had to find other ways.

So what was the way - the inner journey?

In that period from 2008 until today, my world view and myself have increasingly begun to crack, break, and my facade has broken.

For me, it has coincided with the fact that I got married and started a family, and had to transfer my values to my family and my children, and give them the best possible upbringing, the best possible conditions.

The clarification, the choices and the responsibility I had to take in order to be the man/father I wanted to be, it has not been possible for me to take, I have not been able to find any solution.

It has taken an unacceptably hard toll on my wife, my children and me, and ended up costing the marriage.

I have not been able to maintain the person I am, or want to be, I have not been able to maintain my facade as I would like it to be.

And almost 2 years ago I finally gave up the fight - I did what I had sworn NEVER to do! I gave myself up.

For me it was the ultimate defeat, and a gigantic blow to my ego. At no time have I been a 100% stable force in Shindenkan, just pulling the common load and delivering results when needed. I've been in and out of the group in progress, so it's not completely new to me.

But this was different.

This had the consequence that I was benched from RRCamp and leading posts in Shindenkan, and given a retreat post where I could maintain contact and the possibility, or the illusion of the possibility, of getting back on the field. At the same time, I had Kimu Sensei's support if I needed it and dared to ask for it, or the regular times he reached out to see how I was doing and to say that there was still a place for me when I found myself again , and was to be near.

I have, of course, read Kimu Sensei's articles throughout his Budo and Bujutsu educational journey, and laughed with him in his descriptions of how stupidly stubborn he was in holding his opinion when faced with Soké Sensei Tonegawa, who beat him yellow and blue until he finally understood that he had to fight with and not against.

It is actually only now that I am writing these words that I can see that I have done exactly the same thing - of course in MY version, in MY eastern corner from which I view everything.

I have been so stuck in the solution I have found, in the person I have chosen for myself. I have so convulsively maintained the expression I have chosen that I have not dared to let go of it – I have not dared to let go of what I perceived as myself.

Therefore, I have received an incredible amount of beatings.

• Beating from life when I couldn't make it turn the way I thought it should turn.
• Beatings from Kimu Sensei, mental beatings that I just accepted and accepted that I deserved and that I was a wretch. I recognize that from other places – rather take the blame than admit that maybe I should change something about myself.

I have taken the blame, promised penance and recovery, but nothing has changed, as I did not WANT to change anything, because I have been so afraid of losing myself.

It only came when I finally had no more strength and gave up! – As I said, I gave myself up! My ultimate defeat. In the subsequent period when I tried to pick myself up, suddenly a whole lot of things happened.

A realization only came when I was so far gone that I was in danger of losing my children, when I finally understood just a little bit. At that time, I have made a decision that what I struggle with will NOT happen or be repeated to my children. That decision and the subsequent actions led somewhat later to an awareness of the realization that I actually love my children more than I love myself. And that led to the awareness that I had made peace with myself, and forgiven myself so that I could love myself. It led to the awareness of a higher self-esteem, and that I had taken a step back towards myself, towards the real Kjeld.

During that period of relative peace and quiet, I built myself up. Built a platform where I stood relatively safely. And from that retreating position, I have slowly worked my way into Shindenkan again, with the help and support of Kimu Sensei and SOPORG. I have been given extended tasks, and have come back in, and something has been different.

That, something or other, has been that I have actually given up. I have done what I had promised myself NEVER to do. But I haven't given up on myself. I did not give up Kjeld. The/what I have given up is GONE – the facade I have created to appear perfect, whole and intact; the construction I have created over a lifetime, to get through life whole and unscathed.

And that facade is of course GONE. The sum of all my solutions to previously insurmountable problems. Solutions that have saved me from all the hardships of life since I was a small child, right up to my current age.

• Solutions that have given me excuses to do things that are NOT the best for anyone.
• Solutions that are selfish, to make sure I don't get cheated again.
• Solutions that hold myself down so I don't get hurt when I try to do something I can fail at.
• Solutions that desensitize me to other people so I don't risk getting my feelings hurt again.

All things there on e
t time has been needed to move forward, but which is not needed now. And not at all all the time.

To get through life whole and unscathed is also the same as not having lived; it is the same as not having made any mistakes, not having learned from any mistakes. It is being stubborn, assertive, and insisting that the whole world is in the version I have determined, and not in other ways – BASTA.

And thus I have now begun to know my BURT. At least I can recognize him when I'm spare.

So what was the way - the outer journey?

Kimu Sensei announced at the summer convention 2017 that I was nominated for Joden by summer 2018 at the latest, at the same time as I was appointed Deputy Chief Instructor for Jokokan Ørestad.

That was the starting point for me getting back on the field for real again.

The start-up in Jokokan Ørestad went well, and at the same time it was reinforced with students from Jokokan Amager, so it was pure fun to hand out flyers, teach and make things happen. There was help from the local Chief Instructor and Chairman, Søren Renshi, who had prepared everything practical so that I could get the best possible start. Plug-and-Play.

In August was the first RRCamp, and I was quite frankly terribly nervous about how it would go, but in fact it went beyond all expectations. One of the things that made a difference for me was that I came without expectations, and thus I could go about the tasks freely.

An RRCamp is not a holiday camp, but a 24/7 training situation where you are constantly under pressure, physically, psychologically and mentally.

In addition to the joy of being back in action, I was made aware of the development I had had during the period I was on the bench, where I had been given space to clarify the extent to which I wanted to be present in my (parts) children's lives and how I wanted to fit it into my everyday life, so that I was present both physically and mentally when they were physically present.

I could feel that the fact that I had made that decision and stuck to it meant that I could look myself in the eyes and thereby bury some of my old demons.

By choosing them and their needs, I had at the same time chosen the right Kjeld, and not BURT.

In fact, the August 2017 RRCamp was the best RRCamp I had so far. The physical tests that are part of all RRCamps went well and I handled my challenges well.

Back in everyday life, there was a lot of pressure. The local teaching and the recruitment campaign went beyond all expectations, and I was put on as Honbu course instructor again. All honbu courses must comply with the standard, so there is a lot of focus on them, on the implementation and on feedback. And OBC started up and again there I got a prominent role and came under a lot of pressure to understand, prepare and perform up to the standard. But it was still super fun and challenging.

Then came RRCamp November – the longest RRCamp I've ever been to. On the second day, Kimu Sensei announced that I was going to graduate in 11 days, and there I almost had a heart attack. Of course I was happy, proud and honored to be nominated so early, but still – 11 days to be completely ready…..

After that, the RRCamp went from strength to strength. Unlike the August RRCamp, this RRCamp I was under quite a bit of pressure, and had a couple of crashes and went BURT, but I kept going - every time I fell or went astray, I corrected myself and got back on track .

At this RRCamp November I began to gain an understanding of who and what BURT is. For me, BURT is anything that keeps me from striving to be my very best.

The graduation itself

The amount of pressure did not lessen until the graduation session itself. On Friday there was a KataFIT course to be completed, Saturday graduation, and Sunday was occupied all day with Curriculum training, followed by NKT and Kotachi course.
We started with the Black Belt Curriculum Convention, after which we graduation candidates were brought in next door.

There we ran a ryugite test, where all SOPORG instructors were involved as role models. The SOPORG instructors and I had been struggling since I was suspended 11 days earlier.

The excitement after the Ryugi test was great, and we got to reveal the result – everyone had passed, except Adam L! So for him it was the oral Ryugi test that was going to pull up the result - damn it.

The syllabus test started and Adam was beaten through the ryugi at the same time, in an attempt to lift him up so he could prove himself. Pia and Anette also got the smooth layer, to make them break the limit that held them back - were they worse than the boys, or could they prove themselves? COME ON! Show what you can do. Kimu Sensei really knows how to apply pressure.

I was there the whole time, and of course stressed by the atmosphere, but most of all I started cheering on the others, and keeping the energy up and running myself, to set a good example they could follow - to help, because we are all fellow colleagues. After some time, Kimu Sensei was satisfied. Both with Adam's ryugi answer, and with the efforts of the "girls".

The black belt team was brought in for the stamina test where we had to go crazy on the cushions until Kimu Sensei thought we had proven ourselves. Pottest doesn't sound like a tough exercise, but most people change their minds after trying it. It requires constant willpower and pressure to keep going, to fight, to persevere – and no one knows when it will stop.

After that, it was Kumite according to the rules – the more you show, the shorter the time needed, the more fat you play, the longer it takes, and everyone did well. Adam got committed opposition from his black belt colleagues who really "hit Adam" and he did super well, and after passing his Ryugi he was not to "shoot" through. I also entered as an opponent, to give him a challenge and to knock him out if possible.

He had been fighting for a long time and I wanted to give him a good attack to work with so I was in to hit Adam but he was still going strong and before I looked around we were in a floor fight where he was well catch - and then it hit me. My job is to do my best; to set an example and show what optimal pressure is, and now I had put myself in a really bad situation. He fought fiercely, and all respect for the energy he put into the day all the time. I managed to limit the damage in the floor fight. But I had to give it gas, and go for necking him afterwards. I got him down and did a takedown, but kudos and respect for that effort. It had gone well enough.

And the lesson for me? It was really clear and distinct. There is no use in feeling sorry for your opponent, or wanting to help him. In kumite you have to be merciless and 100% determined because any kind of dear mother will be used against you. Just like on the road against Menkyo in the fight against BURT - any unsettled thing can be used by an opponent against you.

Pia ended the kumite session with her first test under those conditions, and the match was again intense and instructive about her own physical and psychological reactions when tested under realistic but safe conditions.

Kimu Sensei concluded the graduation by summarizing the results, after which all of us happy graduates packed up and returned home to the base.

The rest of that day I was empty. Empty of energy, empty of thoughts, just empty. And I'm not ashamed to say I went to bed early that night, very early J

Process – or Continuing challenges

What does it mean then?

From a long desert walk, with good beats physically, but weak beats mentally, I am now back in the process. In a process that leads forward, and in a process that is more important than the result.

I now have the option to be myself instead of being Burt.

This means that I have found a solution model that I k
an apply going forward - and which I MUST apply going forward, because if I falter even a little in my resolve and willpower - which I do!, then BURT is back in the driver's seat, making decisions that are good for him, but bad for everyone else , incl. myself.

The process forward is

• Take responsibility for my actions and their consequences.
• Forgive myself, accept myself, and start loving myself.
• Victory contains the seeds of failure
• Failure contains the seeds of victory
• What has led me so far away from myself, what has brought me back to myself.
• Be true to myself – Fight for myself and mine
• Pay back for all the help I got
• Fulfill me full potential

Burt tells me that I don't need to be optimal, that it's "good enough"

But the road I want to take leads towards Menkyo, and now I can guess the way: On the road to Menkyo (Kend dig thyself) it is the battle between Kjeld/BURT and the exploration that dominates. The first step is:

Okuden (Be yourself). This is where I get to when I am Kjeld 100% of the time, and Burt 0% of the time - constantly

Menkyo (Know Thyself). This is where I get to when I know Kjeld to the core, but also to know BURT to the core, because everyone contains both light and darkness, both beautiful ideals and selfish self-sufficiency. After this, I can freely choose to use Kjeld or Burt as it fits into the context, consciously, and not guided by old patterns.

Kjeld Renshi