It was Friday 28 May 2010 and it was time for my next training camp with Kimu Sensei and, as usual, I picked him up in a good mood and we set off in the car. As always, I don't know in advance how the training camp will go and as Kimu Sensei always tells me: "Bring your whole self, prepare for everything and don't try to control things".

When we had reached our destination, Kimu Sensei said to me: "Be ready to change in 5 minutes". After this we completed a physical training session with running, rowing, strength training, kumite etc. when we finished it, Kimu Sensei told me that nothing more should happen that day...

It made me a little unsure what the f… he meant by that!

I said what do you mean? Aren't we supposed to work or something? Nah said Kimu Sensei. You just have to go in and stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself who you are...

Well then, now the training camp had really started - and it was to turn out, as always, that it would be a huge challenge where I was pushed to my limit and more.

Conversations with alter ego or… The mirror

Alter ego: "Hello, who are you?" Answer – I'm Jens!.

Alter ego: "Yes, but who are you?" Answer - Stop now, you know who I am!

Alter ego: "Yes, yes, but who are you?" Answer- Wait, it's difficult, I can't just stand here and tell my alter ego - my mirror image - who I am!

Alter ego: "Why not?" Answer - Because I am Jens and I, as the only one, know the truth about myself and there are several other stories that I would rather tell because they put me in a good light...

Ok, but hang in there, because then there might be time for the real story.

Hmm... But first, one of my favorite stories about myself that I love to tell, it emphasizes that my motives behind all my actions are always selfless and aimed at the common good - my idealism is as pure as freshly fallen snow or I could start with another one of my favorite stories about myself, the one about all the hard work I do to develop myself, all the hard training I go through…

Alter ego: "But is this the real story?"

Seek and you shall find

Answer - I am "only" human and I know deep down that there are cases where I need to present myself in a better light. I think of all the times when I have deceived myself or deceived others who have trusted me and my word, simply to protect myself or the image I would like to see myself in – my self-perception.

But fortunately the truth is that only I know the truth about Jens! - I mean, I know very well what motives lie behind the actions I perform! - I know deep down when I don't live up to my values every time and when I'm not 100 % honest with myself or others.

Alter ego: "Hey, listen right here, isn't this self-delusion? "

Answer - Yes, it's not flattering - but others don't need to know that, do they? and that is precisely why I have such a great need for control, otherwise I cannot control the truth!!!

Alter ego: "What do you mean, you can't do that - the truth is created in the present." To become Menkyo means to be oneself 100 % – ie. no self-deception is what is decisive for me to be 100 % myself without room for anything else.”

Answer – If what I have to complete requires me to be 100 %, I cannot complete it!

Alter ego: “Why not? "

The answer is that I save 10 % of myself to check the truth. Because imagine if it were to go wrong, so I can use these 10 % to put myself in a better light both to myself and to others.

I know that the real story is that I seek recognition outside of myself instead of within myself, which means that how it looks is more important than what the result is!

I seek 90 % inwardly but save 10 % to explain myself outwardly!! – This is self-deception!

All actions or decisions that I have taken throughout my 48 years have been built on self-deception, I might as well face it - why? Because it cannot have been a conscious choice

Alter ego: "It's horrible - and it means that I can never be 100 % either."!

Answer - That is why I seek to create an image of myself that I can make others love me for, hoping that through this I can love the same image of myself - but I know it is not the true image! and I will never love it because it is created from the wrong motives.

Alter ego: "We have to do something and we have to do it together!"

Answer – What?

Alter ego: "We must stop deceiving ourselves".

Answer – Ok let's find the essence together.

Self-deception

Learning from Kimu Sensei has told me that the gateway to Menkyo is to love yourself for who you are, not what you think you are, have been or want to be.

In my self-deception, I have built up an image of myself as a serious martial arts practitioner who will develop towards the first serious master's degree in martial arts. But who am I trying to fool?

It's me myself. This is a self-deception because:

• I don't live up to my set of values.
• I allow myself to take breaks and make room for excuses

I therefore know that I am not 100 % Jens because I always save some % to protect myself and the fact that I know this means that I cannot love myself - because how can you love something that is not true, that is not is consistent with my value set.

I also know that I cannot live with this image, therefore I have a need for control so that I can create my own truth that I can live with.

This knowledge is the direct reason why I cannot enter through the gate, because the gate to Menkyo is to love the truth about myself - for better or for worse.

As you can also read from my eyewitness accounts from my training camps with Kimu Sensei, it is absolutely not easy to become Menkyo "Master of all the martial arts", corresponding to 7th dan in martial arts, or jr. Grandmaster, when this is not an honorary degree, but a real competence degree like 500 years ago.

I have been over 12 years on the way to this degree, but I will be that and reach my intermediate goal, because I'm not stopping here!.

The next intermediate goal will be Kaiden and 8.dan. But I also know that this will become even more demanding!. 60 years of statistics from e.g. Kendo, shows that one to three 7th dan each year passes the three-day graduation to 8th dan. Which also means, statistically speaking, that only 1 out of 1,000,000 black belts achieves the 8th dan, grand master.

After that, of course, I continue against Menkyo Kaiden "Initiated master of all the martial arts", 9th dan, Sr. Grandmaster, because life never stands still - and I will live to be at least 100 years old. The kendo statistics show that 1-2 out of 100 8th dan pass the level of competence to 9th dan. Then figure out for yourself what the odds are on this for black belts!.

What kind of story do I really have to tell:

It is the story that I is good enough as I am now and I can be even better. It is important to be able to draw a line in the sand and say: "I will no longer deceive myself or others, I will not embellish my motives to appear better than what I am"

What is it that I have to act out? It starts with me being alert and attentive inward so that I am able to discover what controls my motivations and thereby make 100 % conscious choices.

This is a 24 hour job because:

• My honest view of myself is crucial - If there is just a little self-deception, it is crucial for not reaching the goal.
• Every time I feel the need to explain myself - it means that the motive for my actions is not in accordance with my value set and therefore contains a deception.
• I only perform actions that are consistent with my values.
• I constantly have to question the motive behind my actions.
• My honest attitude: I have a burning desire to do the right thing.

Self-deception leads to excuses, projecting guilt and distancing myself from what is most important and essential, namely myself as I am - this directly means that I do not love myself as I am.

Deceiving others leads to lies and the building of a false image of who I am and requires the creation of my own truth in order for me to exist at all - this in turn directly leads to me not loving myself as I am.

Because how can I do that when I either pass it on to others or change the image of myself depending on what I think fits best? 

Honesty with myself means that I see myself as I am, take responsibility for what I see, take it into my heart and let time stand still until I love myself! And let this strength express itself in honesty towards others, where I always show myself as I am, stand by myself, become part of the all-encompassing truth which in turn means that I love myself.

Where am I constantly falling in?

As Kimu Sensei said to me during one of my training camps: “You have done well, until now, when you are tired and allow yourself to be controlled by your emotions - why? The training camp is not over yet".

Fatigue leads to self-pity and therefore the fall groups show their ugly sides, both inwardly directed, outwardly directed and skipping actions:

• Inside: "I'm doing what I can!"
• Inside: "I'm not good enough..."
• Outwardly: "How much more can you ask of me!"
• Outwardly: "Others are holding me back!"
• Corner kick: "It's better tomorrow!"

My essence:

The human mind is wonderful (mine too) and I have learned, through the phrase from our Japanese Grandmaster: "imagination is very important", that it is important that I use my imagination.

But then why imagine – Why live through the emotional scenario? Why set up prerequisites for these scenarios. The answer is that neither should I! The only way in which I can spot my self-deception is by being aware at all times of the assumptions I set up in my imagination.

Presuppositions that override or change who I am, presuppositions that directly lead to illusions and keep my self-delusion alive. The self-delusion where I think I am free of the aforementioned feelings or categories - because I am not and I may never be.

But it is not a question of becoming free of emotions, it is more a question of what I do with my knowledge - my knowledge gives me a choice. Why not use my imagination or imagination without limiting assumptions to reach the place where I am free from illusions and self-deception. The place where I can relax and be myself. The place where I can rest 100 % in myself and time stands still.

I have actually experienced brief moments where time almost stood still and right there, right at this moment I was free of illusions and self-deception.

It was a good feeling and I have managed to repeat it several times, admittedly only briefly but still enough for me to be aware that it was there!

I wish I could consciously stay there right until it's done—a moment that stretches out until it's done.

Yes - I have to give Kimu Sensei right, striving for Menkyo is a 24 hour job, and in any case a 24 hour job for Kimu Sensei during all my training camps, to keep me on track - forward towards myself.