It was 19 May 2011 and time for my second training camp in 2011. When had left at 10 and when I had to pick up Kimu Sensei at At 10.30 I had to leave.

I picked up Kimu Sensei at his residence at 10.25 and found him in good spirits as usual.

After that we left for our destination and I knew beforehand that this was going to be a different training camp, I just didn't know how, but as usual I was going to be challenged for better or worse.

I am a martial artist – Do I feel lucky?
As an introduction to the training camp, the first training in the dojo started with ryugi training. Kimu Sensei gave me a task that consisted of going through my inner strengths and, not least, weaknesses and uncovering the shortcomings and gaps that I always cover for - in an objective and constructive way.

Suddenly I was interrupted by Kimu Sensei who entered the dojo and said to me: "Make Koryu Naihanchi"! Slightly taken aback, I stood up, pulled myself together, took a deep breath and got down to business. Before I could get more than the first 2 moves, he said thank you and left the dojo.

Very surprised, I stood back and thought ok, after a moment when he didn't come back I started the task again.

Suddenly I was interrupted again by Kimu Sensei who entered the dojo and said to me: "Just make Naihanchi"! This time I was a little better prepared, I stood up, gathered myself and started. Before I had gotten more than the first 2 moves he said thank you and left the dojo again!.

Again I stood back surprised and thought okay..., but again after a while when he didn't come back I started the task again.

Suddenly, Kimu Sensei enters the dojo and, without warning, goes straight into demonstrating Koryu Naihanchi at full blast, so I was completely shocked, froze and had to back away in complete fright. After that, he left the dojo again immediately.

Again I stood back in astonishment and thought: "What is this all about? – but hold on... how good it looked!”. I have to admit that I didn't quite know what he was trying to show me, but I was sure there was a point - because there always is.

After a while of me pondering what had happened, Kimu Sensei re-entered the dojo, this time very calm and smiling as he usually is. He asked me for an evaluation of what had happened and what the difference had been between my two kata executions and his, I replied that Kimu Sensei's Kata was much more fluid, without transitions and as a whole without dimensions.

Kimu Sensei replied, yes, but that is not the point at all, it is to be expected! But concretely: I didn't have to think about it first, pull myself together, taste it all - you should! You weren't present, you weren't in the moment, I was!

Kimu Sensei continued: "When you train martial arts, you don't have to think before you do the Kata, it just has to come immediately". "After all, you express yourself in a kata. A kata is not yourself with delay - then it is a role!”. He then continued “Kata is an expression of the essence – your highest essence. If you have to ponder and taste this first, then you do not know your essence, and then your performance of kata will never express 100 % of you, but only a shadow or role that you expect will meet a reaction and recognition from others. But the truth is that if you know yourself 100 %, then the recognition will come from yourself, since you can't be anyone but yourself when you know yourself 100 % ”.

"You didn't listen to what I said either because I asked for 2 different kata and the second time you did a completely wrong kata - I asked for Koryo Naihanchi the first time and the second time I asked for Naihanchi and both times you did Koryo Naihanchi!".

"Tell me once, are you not listening to what I say to you at all? Do you only want to listen to yourself? Why?".

"If you want to be a martial artist and follow the martial art path there are no breaks until you IS become Menkyo – theory and practice must be one – you must be one. It's not rocket science, but it will be if you're not yourself, and you can only be if you walk the path to knowing yourself 100 % ”

After this training pass, I actually felt quite stupid and in fact also caught up in the act with both hands down in the cake tin. I was left with a strong feeling and self-awareness that something was very wrong. But there was a hole in my armor and light was pouring in that I couldn't control, and it made me a bit panicky - but at the same time there was also an opposite feeling, which made me feel good!.

For those of you who are my own age plus or minus a few (few) years, my feeling can be described with the quote from some of Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry movies, where Dirty Harry has just had a shootout:

Quote from Harry Callahan aka Dirty Harry: “I know what you're thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track of myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk!?

Was I feeling lucky – no not very good…, was I willing to see if there was a bullet left in the magazine or what – no not really.

 - And yet I was lucky enough to once again learn something about myself.

Kimu Sensei ended this session of training with a smile and the following statement: “This was a test of your attitude that we all get once in a while. It's the same for everyone. You weren't ready – shall we go..”

Physical exercise.
As head instructor and Honbu-dojo instructor, we have to take a physical test twice a year, which consists of a bronze circle with 3 circles in under 5:00 minutes, then a break and then, for my part, a ride on the rowing machine of 2000 meters in under 7:50 minutes, then a break and then another bronze circle with 3 circles under 06:00 minutes.

At this camp, as always, physical training sessions were planned every day and the first challenge from Kimu Sensei was the following: "Sit in the Rowing machine, set to 30:00 minutes and lie down at an average pace of between 1:58 and 2: 00 per 500 meters, you just get started”.

I know that if I am to pass the requirement of 2000 meters in under 7:50, I must be at a pace of 1:57 per 500 meters, so I was well aware that this would be very hard to complete.

I made up my mind to carry it out and got started after I had rested for approx. 5 minutes Kimu Sensei came to me and looked at my times and said briefly: "It's a good pace, just keep it".

It was pretty tough, but I managed to keep it under 1:57 per 500 meters for over 12 minutes, then it started to get really hard and I had to slow down to 2:05 per 500 meters and I kept that another 5:00 minutes, after which I again had to reduce the pace to 2:10 per 500 meters and when approx. 20 minutes, Kimu Sensei came over sweaty and watched me and stopped me shortly after.

Kimu Sensei laughed and said, "You sound like you're having sex with yourself, and people around you were starting to laugh at you, so I thought I'd better stop you."

I thanked him for it - and was completely devastated.

Kimu Sensei continued: "But it was good that we just tested you and it doesn't look like you will have any problems passing the physical test. You called for something more simple core stablity training – How about some TRX?”.

"Um.. yes thanks" I replied, knowing that this was going to be hard and I was completely devastated.

Reality or Illusions
We began a ryugi training with Kimu Sensei very briefly and precisely reviewing everything I have worked with and concluded through the last 10 years of training camps, quietly point by point, year by year.

When he had finished he asked: "Is there anything I have forgotten?" and "Is this a help?".

I thanked him for this because it was a great help to me. My life for 10 years reviewed in 10 minutes with all relevant processes and results. It's incredibly impressive, especially when it's 100 % correct and directly targeted as a funnel with a pin exit, which greatly reduced my escape options, but also highlighted the essentials.

One of the things that came up again and again was that: I can be myself or I can play role-plays where I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Kimu Sensei told me several times: “You can be a martial artist and accept reality as it is or you can be a martial artist and live with the illusions of how you are. This is perfectly acceptable and everyone can understand you, but you have to make a decision if you want to be a martial artist! Make a decision whether you want to roleplay or be yourself - This is something YOU must clarify, decide and take responsibility for – responsibility for your life.”

Whew it got close to me – and I worked on it for many hours at this training camp and got through all my familiar feeling areas of self pity, abdication – an exact confirmation of Kimu Sensei's summary of my last 10 years of training camps – but unfortunately without getting to the bottom of it!!!. I was completely exhausted by the time we got through 50 % of boot camp and it only got worse and worse.. worse from the internal battle I could only win one way - to be myself 100 %.

As a rounding off at the camp, I got the direct evaluation from Kimu Sensei: "Why are you exhausting yourself?. Why not be good to yourself, by being yourself. You exhaust yourself by not being yourself – it is your resistance in the form of anxiety, excuses, self-pity, need for control, etc. There is far too much theory and far too little practice. What's the point of all the things you write down at every training camp if it doesn't translate into anything".

“I can lead you to the trough time and time again, as I have done for the last 10 years, but I can't force you to drink, so why don't you just admit that you have given up, can't, or really have perfectly fine with the roleplays…. All explanations with which there is nothing wrong and are perfectly fine".

Ouch…. – it sweated a lot!

Martial artist or martial artist?
After this training camp, I must once again admit that there is a big leap from being a martial artist to becoming a martial artist - a leap I have not managed to take - at just one of the many training camps I have been to over the last 10 year. I will have to face this.

99.9 % of all other people who practice martial arts are, or would be, fully satisfied with what I have achieved so far, namely being a really good martial artist, so that's ok. In addition, only the absolute few know and understand what martial arts are and what is required.

But a hint to this can perhaps be given by the following figure; Statistically speaking, 1 in 1,000,000 black belt practitioners achieve a full Menkyo Kaiden, Martial Arts Grandmaster. If 5 % of the world's population practice martial arts, then approx. 325 end up becoming a true and full martial arts grandmaster. Menkyo is three Densho steps before this degree, which statistically means that 0.01 % of the practitioners or approx. 325,000 will end up with this mastery, which of course means that my odds suddenly improve significantly!

But why am I not satisfied with it? Is it because I feel that I am better than other people? Or do I contain much more than myself and others tell me to be?

I leave this training camp with several questions I need answered before my next training camp. Am I clear on this:

• Maybe Martial Arts is enough for me?
• Maybe I will never ever get better this way?
• Maybe I am satisfied with what I have achieved up to now?
• Maybe I've given up?

But I feel like this: Maybe this and maybe that - it could well be that I'm not good enough at martial arts!

But I'm a fool with a big ego and I'm not ready to either admit it or give up just yet!

Although it would save a 100 % loyal and ever-supportive Kimu Sensei a lot of trouble and maybe myself too.