Theory – day 1
It was Friday 19.6.2009 and it was 4.30 pm and we were about to start our annual Chief Instructor Camp. Kimu Sensei started the camp by telling us that this would be a different camp – a Kaidenkan camp. Kimu Sensei went on to say that at this camp we would have two dojos available, one for theory and one for practice.
After this short introduction, Kimu Sensei said to us: "Go to each of your mirrors, look into your own eyes and see yourselves as you are".

With this challenge, the framework was set and the camp really started and I thought Ok, another meeting with myself in the mirror as the start of this training camp, how difficult can it be...

This was not new to me but so anyway because the difference was this time I was not alone, all the other chief instructors were with me.

The experience of this was perhaps more transgressive for me than when I've done it alone, because it's one thing to share your innermost being with yourself - as scary as that may be, it's quite another to do it with other people in the room at the same time, other people that you have not chosen yourself, even if they have been asked exactly the same... I want to decide for myself, I want to choose for myself...

Kimu Sensei made it very clear to all of us that this training camp was special and that it was an individual training camp where at no time were we supposed to train with each other, but only with ourselves. Can you do that? Can I do it?

I looked at myself in the mirror - hesitated a little - saw my reflection - and asked my question to the reflection: "Who are you?". What – was that a strange man I saw? I told myself you will have to look closer…

It was difficult to maintain and Kimu Sensei stepped in a number of times with help. So this was very much a test and underlining of how much I could focus on my training, how much I could break down my own limits and how honest my confrontation with my reference points was.

It was also a struggle to free myself and 100 % abstract from the other participants. Accepting that they were not present in my universe, but in their own, as best they could.

I looked at myself in the mirror again, again tried to fix my eyes, my reflection and asked myself my question: "Who am I?".

I could feel the anxiety taking hold of me, but I could also feel at the same time all the work that I have had with Kimu Sensei at my training camps this year gave me peace! A calm that made it easier for me to get to my innermost being.

When this lesson was over, I had a crystal clear idea of what to do. The only thing that mattered was to be yourself and to believe that it would be enough and to keep calm and not to think about anything.

Don't think - stick to who I am! I thought I remember a sentence that Kimu Sensei has referred to me several years ago taken from the legend Miamoto Musashi: "The moon reflected in a cold stream like a mirror". Who am I? Perhaps that was exactly what that passage was about. Perhaps that passage describes the very moment, the second when Miamoto Musashi saw himself as he was. Can I do it?

This would be a definite change…

Internship – day 1
As previously mentioned, we had two dojos available at this training camp, and completely in accordance with the symbolism, we physically moved into the second dojo – the practice dojo.
Kimu Sensei began this lesson with the following sentence: "Now you have spent the entire last lesson telling yourselves what it is you have to do and now the time has come to test this in practice. I will for each of you attack on 95 % of your best ie. that if you are 95.1 % of your best you can parry, otherwise you cannot…”. And with these words, the framework was set for the next lesson and challenge.

Anyone who has tried this kind of kumite test with Kimu Sensei knows that it is all at once boundary-breaking, provocative, anxiety-inducing, confusing, tough and funny. But what is important about it is that it is educational, precisely in the way that it allows the participants to study themselves, each other and Kimu Sensei - the requirement is, as always, that you participate in order to test the framework and to learn from it …

The practical training lesson began and consisted of Kimu Sensei performing different variations of attacks with tsuki first to the chest and then to the stomach. There is nothing particularly dangerous about the attack and we know in advance which area is the target. Even so, it is the case that for the individual participant their limits are being pushed up into the 95 % area.

What went well and what went wrong, was I able to put my theory into practice? Hm.. The answer is no, I could not translate my theory into 95.1 % practice.

What didn't go well was that I couldn't keep calm during the attack, especially if it lasted longer. This meant working in a jerky and unbalanced way. I couldn't stop thinking and I was influenced by the reactions of the other participants

The only thing that went well was that I actually stuck to my theory and tried to translate it into something - especially between the attacks J

Conclusion day 1
My conclusion around day 1 was that I should keep calm and stand even more firmly on myself and focus on the present and maintain myself in being myself - for better or for worse.

Theory – day 2
The next day started with a ryugi training where Kimu Sensei talked about the challenges SST had given him along his path and clearly emphasized that every time he had been faced with a challenge, he had been given one and only one chance.
After this, I, like all other participants, was directly asked to relate to myself, my efforts in thoughts, words and actions, with the question: "Why should you have more than one chance? What qualifies you for 100 chances and makes sense? – there is only one life and one death”. It was straight on and hard.

We had 1 minute to think about it and then Kimu Sensei said to us: "Today is a new day and I am a different Grandmaster who believes in you" and after this introduction Kimu Sensei said to us: "Go forward to each of your mirrors, look into your own eyes and see yourselves as you are”.

With this challenge, the frame was up a gear I thought hmm.. another meeting with myself in the mirror, it ends up being dangerous!…

I again stood face to face with myself in the mirror - again hesitating - and again asked the same question to the mirror image: "Who am I?".

I already knew I needed to go closer, deeper than yesterday. It was difficult to tame my inner resistance and maintain myself and only when Kimu Sensei stepped in with a direct call for me to go all the way in did I get the right attitude or perhaps the courage to do it. This was a very violent experience for me so much so that I was physically shaken afterwards.

When the lesson was over, I had a crystal clear idea of what I had to do. It was only one possible consideration regarding the internship: There is only one life and one death.

Internship – day 2
The practical training lesson was the same as before and here I stood with my theory from the previous lesson and was completely ready to live it out: "There is only one life and one death" I said to myself.
But alas instead of being 100 %, I was frozen and had stiff legs. I was still physically shaken by my theoretical experience or absorbed in myself and it was only after being hit a few times that I started to react and by then it was too late because there is only one life and one death!

Conclusion – day 2
I must conclude after day 2 that there is a big difference between theory and practice. The fact that I could stand with such a clear picture of what I should do, of what is the right thing and still not be able to put it into practice, clearly shows that.
I have to ask myself the question: "Can it really be right that you have to react like this or am I overreacting".

There is only one life and one death, ie. every single time is life or death, my life or my death – that is, my attitude to my life and my death.

The prerequisite for there to be something called my life and my death is that I can maintain the center, the balance, the calm and the overview long enough for me to know who I am.

Kimu Sensei then said to me: “Why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you have to die before you want to live? You MUST learn to be good to yourself”.